


Atlantis

by BastardSirius



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe: Sirius Doesn't Go to Azkaban, F/M, Light Angst, Lily Evans Potter doesn't die, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-03
Updated: 2017-01-13
Packaged: 2018-09-14 12:26:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 15,709
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9181588
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BastardSirius/pseuds/BastardSirius
Summary: What if Severus Snape had come to Lily Evans before Dumbledore, and that small change had caused Halloween 1981 to be slightly different?Would Sirius not going to Azkaban mean that Remus can get over Sirius having suspected him? Can they get over each other's mistakes and repair their broken relationship?Inspired by:Atlantis - SeafretI can’t save us, my Atlantis, we fallWe built this town on shaky ground





	1. Seeds of Suspicion

**_I can’t save us, my Atlantis, we fall_ **

**_We built this town on shaky ground_ **

**_I can’t save us my Atlantis, oh no_ **

**_We built it up to pull it down_ **

 

Sirius realized that they had never trusted each other since The Prank, not completely. Maybe not ever. They had depended on each other the way young boys do and shared secrets - big ones, enormous ones in fact - but a lot of their relationship had always been based on purposefully ignoring what they were.

They ignored that Remus being a werewolf was a danger. In fact, it was cool. Nevermind that they almost got a wizard killed that one full moon when they wandered too close to town.

They ignored that James was a bully. He was brilliant and he just needed to let some steam off, sometimes. The school wasn’t challenging enough for him.

They ignored that Peter seemed to idolize James and the others, complimented them a bit too much and overall seemed needy. It was good to have a cheerleader as they went about with their antics.

They ignored that Sirius was mean. Not just a bully like James, but truly cruel when he wanted to be. He was their friend after all, and didn’t turn his animosity towards them. Usually.

It took a while for the suspicion to seep in - aided by comments from Peter and other Order members - but once it did, Sirius couldn’t shake it off.

“Hey Padfoot, where is Remus?” Peter greeted him as Sirius sat down next to him in the pub.

“On Order business,” Sirius replied, shrugging, and ordered a beer.

“Dumbledore’s working him a lot these days, eh?” James asked and took a sip of his Firewhiskey. “Hey Padfoot,” he added.

Peter looked confused, and ignored James’ comment. “What do you mean Order business?”

“He said he would be gone a week, so…” Sirius started, then paused to pretend to be calculating when Remus would be back, as if he didn’t know it to the hour, “Three more days left.”

“But that can’t be,” Peter said, frowning, “We— Nevermind, I shouldn’t say anything.”

“What?” Sirius asked, trying to sound casual but feeling his heart rate raise.

“It’s Order business, I can’t discuss it with anyone, much less out in the open,” Peter said nervously, looking around.

James sighed. “Right, bloody secrets. Sometimes I don’t know who has more to hide, us or Voldemort.” A few people close by, hearing the name gasped and scooted away from the trio. James’ mouth twitched in a small smile. Part of why he snuck the name into conversations was to get that reaction.

“Just spit it out Wormtail, I don’t need details,” Sirius said, undeterred, sounding calm but hand holding his beer too tight, knuckles turning white.

Peter looked around nervously again, then got closer to Sirius to tell him, as quietly as he could: “I saw him yesterday and we are going on a mission tomorrow. How could he be gone?”

“Doesn’t mean anything,” Sirius forced himself to say. He knew what Peter was suggesting, what he was always suggesting. “Portkeys and Apparation exist, you know. He doesn’t have to Apparate from home for a meeting.”

“Yes, of course, sorry, I’m being daft,” Peter said, nodding his head quickly several times.

“Now that’s something we can agree on!” James said, sounding cheerful, “Let’s drink to Wormy being daft!” After they took a sip of their drinks, James looked at Sirius from behind Peter with a knowing look and sad smile, offering silent comfort.

 

* * *

 

When Remus came home four days later, Sirius was making himself a sandwich for lunch that he knew he wouldn’t finish. His appetite was all but gone these days.

“Padfoot?” Remus called out from the hallway and Sirius almost dropped the knife in his hand as he walked towards his boyfriend, willing himself not to run. He put on a fake smile before turning into the hallway.

“You’re ba—” he started but then stopped. His smile dropped. Remus looked as if he had been beaten up, the muggle way. His eye was swollen and he had more bruises and scratches on him than Sirius had ever seen before. Most bad transformations ended up with big gashes and wounds; this looked like a muggle version of Sectumsempra with small injuries all over. “What happened?” he gasped and instinctively put his arm around his waist for support.

“Things didn’t go well…” Remus said, voice hoarse.

“I can see that,” Sirius responded with a frown, “Is that why you weren’t back yesterday, were you captured?”

Remus took a moment to think. “Not captured,” he said in the end, “Just injured. It took a while to have the strength to Apparate.”

“You should have sent a Patronus…”

“Would have ruined the whole mission. There’s a reason for the secrecy, Padfoot,” Remus replied and as he spoke his voice dwindled. Sirius looked at him and saw that he was about to fall asleep as they walked.

“Just get some rest,” he said, and lead him to their bed. A thought occurred to him as Remus took off his clothes and he saw healing wounds. “When did you get hurt?”

Remus rubbed his forehead, thinking. “What day is it? You said I should have been back yesterday, so it’s Tuesday now?”

“Yes.”

“I think it was Friday morning then. A bit blurry, to be honest,” Remus said slowly, and by his last word his breath had slowed. He drifted off to sleep.

Peter had said that he’d seen Remus on Friday. Sirius watched his lover sleep and wondered what had really happened.


	2. It's Not Too Late

**_The birds that left the trees, the light bores onto me,_ **

**_I can feel you lying there all on your own_ **

**_We got here the hard way, all those words that we exchange_ **

**_Is it any wonder things get dark?_ **

 

 

_*****Before***** _

“Oh fuck _you_ , Lupin,” Sirius growled.

“Thought you didn’t do that anymore,” Remus snapped back dryly. They hadn’t had sex in weeks.

“You don’t get to ask where I’ve been,” Sirius said, waving a finger in front of him as if he were a Professor scolding a student.

“Order missions don’t take from eight to midnight. That sounds more like a date to me.”

“Get it through your thick skull, I’m not telling you anything. We’re not _allowed_ , remember?” Sirius tried to keep his voice angry but the truth was that he was more scared than angry. He wished he had been cheating - he knew how to deal with that. Been there, done that. He didn’t know how to hide the fact that he’d had dinner with James and Lily and they hadn’t invited Remus.

“I thought we were over this — this _lying_ ,” Remus said, voice soft now and shoulders dropped. 

“You’re _always_ lying,” Sirius shot back.

Remus didn’t respond. He looked defeated, Sirius thought.

“It wasn’t a date,” Sirius said, looking away.

“Whatever it was, I hope it was worth it,” Remus said, voice barely above a whisper, and walked back into their bedroom to sleep. All of a sudden all his rage, energy and will to fight was gone.

 

* * *

 

Their fights got worse and words got nastier. Soon enough shouting matches were a common thing for the two boys who had almost never argued before. One night Remus had come home from a mission to find Sirius in their bed with somebody else. Sirius had told her to wait and walked out to talk to Remus.

They had had a short fight where several cruel words had been said. “Man whore” had been repeated several times by the light-brown-haired boy, as was “dodgy werewolf” by his boyfriend. The insults got more explicit as they went on. It had ended with the exchange below:

“Well if I’m such a ‘piss-artist’ as you put it, then what are you still doing here?”

“I— what?” Remus asked, his voice dropping from the harsh yell of a few seconds ago. He blinked at Sirius in confusion.

“You heard me! I don’t want to see you, just take your things and go!”

Remus looked around, anger drained from his face along with his blood, as if trying to think of what to pick up.

“Stop looking around, werewolf, not like you own much of what is here.”

The anger flashed in Remus’ eyes again. “Apologies for not having been lucky enough to do fuck-all and be rich,” he growled and went into their bedroom. Ignoring the naked woman on it, he kept waving his wand and making his clothes levitate neatly into a trunk. Sirius watched him from the bedroom door, but neither man spoke another word.

 

* * *

 

_*****After***** _

It is no wonder, Sirius thought, that when the time came to test their trust, they failed. They couldn’t hide from themselves what they knew about the each other. Remus being a werewolf, never a problem before, now looked like a motive for turning to Voldemort. James’ being a bully now made it seem like perhaps somebody might hold a grudge against him, nobody in the Order could be trusted just because they were ‘good’. The fact that Peter was needy and idolizing them made him seem, well, weak. A non-threat.

If it had been anybody else in danger, Sirius knew he would have been a suspect too. James being his brother-in-all-but-blood was the only reason he was trusted without question by most. And he had wasted it, the trust he had been given. And now his brother was dead.

“I should have done something, I could have stopped it,” Lily sobbed into Sirius’ shirt as her body shook. He held her and closed his eyes, unable to look at the lifeless body next to them.

 

* * *

 

_*****Before***** _

“Severus! What are you doing here?” Lily shouted as she held out her wand. She was off duty today to buy some necessities, but thankfully had ‘constant vigilance’ as Moody always advised, and was prepared for an attack even in the middle of a muggle grocery shop.

“We need to talk,” he said, his voice stern and his expression bland.

“I have nothing to say to you! Get away from me!” she responded and lowered her wand to still be pointing at him but not seen by the muggles around them.

“We don’t have time, Lily, please meet me outside. I am not here to hurt you.” Without waiting for a response, he left.

Her heart beat fast and she knew - she _knew_ \- that this was a trap. But there was something about the fear in Severus’ eyes that made her curious about what he had to say. She held her wand tight as she followed him out, looking around to see if she noticed any other wizards.

Once they were out and barely out of sight of other shoppers, the Death Eater began to speak immediately.

“Potter. They’re after him, the Dark Lord wants him dead,” he said hurriedly.

“What? Why James?” she asked but she had known for a while that it seemed that her family was targeted more than most, even by an Order member’s standards. She knew it was true, just not why.

“There is no time to explain. Just promise me, Lily, promise me you will stay out of his way. He will spare your life, if you do,” he said, not bothering to correct Lily’s misunderstanding. They had long since stopped talking about James. Since they’d found out about the prophecy, ‘Potter’ meant ‘Harry Potter’. There was no time to discuss anything now, though. Anything other than keeping Lily alive.

“I will not stand down and let my husband get killed!” she shouted as much as she could, but found her breath was gone and she could barely raise her voice.

“Lily, please, he will kill you,” he said back, desperately looking into her eyes.

“Then I will die! I will die with my husband!” She took a long, shaky breath. “I can’t live without him, Severus. I won’t.”

“What has he ever done to deserve this devotion?” he shot back, angry. Why he was having to fight for somebody to save their own life was beyond him. For an arrogant fool, at that. He hadn’t even brought up the child.

“Sev…” she started, then paused. “Sev I know he did terrible things at school. You know I was the first to defend you when he was mean to you. You know how many times I called him out on it.” She took another long breath. “He’s good to me, Severus. He’s good to his friends and I swear, I swear, he has changed. He isn’t a kid any more.”

“None of us are,” he responded darkly, and looked away. He had done and seen too many things to be anywhere near a child anymore.

“It’s not too late, Severus,” she whispered, lowering her wand at last.

“For what?” he asked and looked up, genuinely surprised.

“You can come to our side,” she said matter-of-factly.

“No I can’t,” he said and grabbed his left arm with his right hand instinctively.

She let out a dark laugh. “You think you would be the first or last among us to have a tattoo on your arm?”

He blinked. He knew, of course, that spying went both ways but having the mark meant being very close to the Lord, and he did not imagine anybody that devoted and close would turn or get away with it if they did. Voldemort was an excellent Occlumens and intelligent. They would have been found out.

“It’s not too late,” she reiterated.

There was silence for almost a minute.

“You will not stand out of his way?” he asked finally.

“I can’t, Sev,” she said softly, feeling sorry for her lost friend, “If he dies, I die too. Either by Voldemort’s wand or my own.”

He nodded, and Apparated away.


	3. The Funeral

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James' funeral and flashback to the now-changed Halloween 1981.

**_***After***_ **

Lily’s hand was squeezing Sirius’ so tight he idly wondered if he’d get bruises. He hoped that he would. People were talking in hushed voices around them and there was a speaker addressing all of them but the Animagus didn’t hear any of it. He was snapped out of his trance when he saw Remus was walking up to speak.

Remus, already frail and weary the last time he’d seen him, looked even worse now. He had aged years in the last month, it seemed. The bags under his eyes were darker than ever, and he looked thin enough for a good wind to tip him over. Sirius saw several white hairs and thought that they must have been there before since they were so long, but he somehow had not noticed.

 

* * *

 

**_***Before***_ **

 

Sirius was startled as an owl tapped on the window. He looked up, away from the fireplace and walked over to the window to let him in. After giving him a small treat, he took the letter. As his eyes glanced over to his name on the envelope, his heart dropped and lifted at the same time. It was Remus’ handwriting. His confused mind didn’t know how to react. Sad and scared because of what the contents might be, but happy all the same to hear from him. At the very least he was alive. He hadn’t heard a word in weeks.

> _Sirius,_
> 
> _I hope this letter finds you well. Prongs is otherwise occupied, therefore there is no need for your presence on 11th._
> 
> _Sincerely,_
> 
> _Remus Lupin_

He sat down, knees giving away as the meaning of the words dawned on him. Remus didn’t want him there for the full moon. Even though it was almost two weeks away, he had gone out of his way to let him know in advance.

Sirius went into the kitchen, set the letter down on the table and poured himself a drink. He sipped on it slowly as he read the letter again and again. He thought perhaps he would see a hidden message. Either one that would tell him something good (that Remus had in fact meant the opposite) or of something bad (was Remus being held against his will somewhere?).

In the end, there were no answers in the two-sentence letter, no secret code to decipher. He left it on the table when he retreated into the living room. After his second glass of Firewhiskey, he glanced at his watch. Still an hour to go until he was meant to check on Peter. He felt a pang in his gut similar to hunger. He couldn’t go back into the kitchen now, not with _that_ still there.

He got up to check on Peter. Worst case he would interrupt his lonely dinner, not much of a loss.

 

Apparently that hadn’t been the worst case scenario. He came into the house which he could tell immediately was empty. There was a certain void in it, even for a safe house it felt dead. He looked around it, not expecting to find anyone. He had been, however, expecting signs of a struggle or disturbance. A half-drunk coffee on the table suggesting Peter had left in a hurry. But there was nothing. Wherever Peter had gone, it had not been in a hurry or scared, nor in the hands of a Death Eater.

Realization dawned on him and he Apparated instantly back home. He jumped on his bike, hands shaking as he held the keys. He was glad he hadn’t splinched himself Apparating there. He was grateful and spiteful of the wards they had put around Godric’s Hollow. He couldn’t Apparate there but at least that would slow down the Death Eaters as well. Maybe he would have enough time.

When he arrived, running up the stairs, he heard shouting. “Lily, take Harry and go! It’s him! Go! I’ll hold him off—”

“No, James, it’s you he wants! You take Harry!”

“Lily I can’t—”

“James, HARRY!” she yelled, “Grab him!”

“Foolish girl, what are you doing? Stand aside.”

 _Voldemort_. Sirius ran up just in time to see the back of his cloak and a bit of Lily, right behind him. He threw himself towards them and Voldemort looked sideways at him, seemingly undisturbed.

“I don’t have time for this,” he drawled and turned to James. He pointed his wand at Lily and cast a spell Sirius could not hear, causing her to gasp and start coughing up blood. Sirius quickly started casting counter spells he knew. As he did, he heard something he should have expected, something he should have prevented:

“Avada Kedavra!”

“JAMES!” Lily shouted, hand reaching out instinctively.

“Expelliarmus!” Sirius yelled, wand pointing at Voldemort but he was not quick enough, Voldemort had cast a barrier spell already.

With a swift wave of his wand, Voldemort pushed aside James’ body and repeated the awful words:

“Avada Kedavra!”

A flash, Lily screaming as if she was being Crucio’d and Sirius running towards Voldemort and suddenly all was quiet. Sirius stood in the middle of the room where Voldemort no longer was. He looked down and saw Harry looking up at him, tears on his cheeks, crying without sound. Next to him was James’ lifeless body, cast aside as if he were a doll a child had grown tired of. He knelt down and moved James slightly to a more comfortable position, arms on his sides, as if he were sleeping. He wanted to close his eyelids but knew that Lily deserved to see them one last time, devoid of light as they were.

“James… James… James…” she was chanting between sobs as she held Harry close to her chest.

 

* * *

 

_*****After***** _

 

With a light cough, Remus pointed his wand at his throat and began to speak. Even with the spell, his voice was low.

“Thank you Kingsley, that was touching,” he said before turning to the crowd and pausing. “James Potter is known and loved by many,” he started, smiling sadly and gesturing towards the crowd, “He is worthy of every praise he has gotten so far and many more. It is difficult to know what to say at times like these not for lack of words but for lack of time.” He turned to Lily. “He was loved, so deeply loved, and for that I count us lucky. That we got to meet such a boy - man - and shared some of the light that he brought into this world.” He coughed twice, and Sirius had the distinct feeling that he’d been holding back the cough until then.

“I would tell you about his hilarious antics at school, I’m sure that’s what he would have wanted, but I know there are others here who will honor his wishes on that account. If not, make sure to ask one of us about the Great Great Hall Prank after the ceremony.

“For my part, I will say this: Sirius Black was well-known as his brother, but he was my brother too. He gave me a place in this world when few others would have even tried. He made us laugh and care and brought out the best in all of us, even when we were foolish teenagers in school. He was full of life.” His voice was shaking like a leaf in a storm now. He coughed again to regain his composure. “He was incredibly talented, hopelessly devoted to the cause and ‘the best bloody Chaser Hogwarts has ever had the opportunity to see’ as he would have put it.” He had tried to imitate James’ accent and hand movements as he quoted him. That got a few laughs from the crowd. “I’ve also heard that he was an excellent kisser but only from him, so I dare not believe it.” More chuckles. “He did manage to convince you to have Harry so I suppose he wasn’t terrible at it,” he added, looking at Lily with a smile and tears running down his cheeks. He took a deep breath and put his hand in his pocket.

“He would make fun of me for reading this,” he said as he took out a parchment, “But alas, funerals are for the living and Prongs isn’t here to stop me with a smack in the back of my head as he would have before. So I will read part of a book I hold dear, as I feel it relates to us.” He held out the parchment and pretended to read from it, but Sirius knew he wasn’t as his eyes were barely moving.

“‘"I wish it need not have happened in my time," said Frodo.

“‘"So do I," said Gandalf, "and so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.”’

“And Prongs - James - by Merlin he definitely used his too-short time well. He changed the lives of many and built a beautiful family with a beautiful wife. More love in that house than I believe most of us will ever know.

“We are lucky to have had him in our lives. The world was a better place with him in it,” he concluded and walked away, wand arm dropping.

Lily got out of his embrace and nudged him. He looked at her expectant eyes.

 _Oh, right, my turn,_ he thought, _Then Lily and then the party…_

They had arranged there to be a big party afterwards, the way James had specifically told Lily he would have wanted. He did not know how he would survive it, but he would try for his best friend.

He got up and held his wand to his throat as Remus had. He looked at the crowd in silence for a long while until several people had coughed and a child moaned about what was taking so long.

“James,” he started, then stopped again. He turned around. He didn’t want to face the crowd, he wanted to face his friend. He looked at James’ gravestone. “My brother, we will see each other again. You left a bigger void than you know.”

He had planned a long speech with funny anecdotes and sweet words, but his throat was burning and he could not utter a single word more. He hastily went back to his seat next to Lily, blinking back tears that rolled out onto his cheeks anyway.

“My love,” Lily started her speech, glancing back at James’ gravestone but not turning to it as Sirius had, “I would tell you that I will miss you but it would be pointless. You know how I feel. And I know that you are not here,” she gestured at the grave behind her. “I know you are with us now, and I know you will stay with me and Harry for ever. You lay not with the flowers here but with me in our home. On the streets of Diagon Alley where our favorite pub is. In the walls of Hogwarts where our Harry will go in just ten years. In the crib you built him just this year. You live with us.” In tears, she went back to her seat as well.

Once the ceremony was over, people were lead towards the portkeys that would take them to the party. Closest friends and family were going to be the last to go, of course. There were house elves in the place already, ready to host, so they did not need to worry about that.

He had just waved off the last of the Order members when he turned to see Lily and Remus hugging. They were holding each other as if they would fall without the support. He walked towards them.

“I know, Lily, I know,” Remus was whispering as he ran his fingers through her hair, trying not to crush Harry in their embrace.

She pulled back to look at him through her swollen eyes, with a big smile wet with her tears. “What would I do without you, Remus?” she said. “You will come over after the party, won’t you?”

Remus turned to Sirius then, who had thought he’d done a good job of approaching them quietly but then again nobody could sneak on Remus. “Hey Sirius,” Remus greeted him, voice calm but distant.

“Hey Remus,” he heard himself say although Sirius couldn’t remember even thinking it. He was staring at Remus’ face, looking for everything different and similar since he had laid eyes on him last.

“You will, won’t you Remus?” Lily insisted, “I also think it would be good if you could stay over. You were always so good with Harry and I— I don’t want to be alone in the house.” Her eyes filled with tears again.

“I would’ve thought Sirius was…” Remus let his voice trail off.

“We have been staying at ou—” he started, then cut himself off. “At Yew street,” he corrected himself, trying to refer to their old house as objectively as he could, “But Lily wants to move back now.” _And I didn’t want to because I thought maybe you would come back and I wanted to be home,_ he didn’t add out loud.

Remus considered the new information. “If I wouldn’t be a bother,” he told Lily in the end with a small smile. “But I could only stay a week, then I have to - er - go away for my transformation.” He paused. “I could come back after, or just drop by often,” he offered.

“Godric’s has a big yard with barriers and good locking charms on the doors and windows,” Sirius said, again surprised at the sound of his own voice. He felt like he was in a dream or under Imperius.

“No chains though, I’m afraid,” Remus replied with a fake cheer, as if they were talking about what movie to watch that night, “So I will need to go to the Ministry.”

Sirius finally snapped out it and his cloudy mind cleared. “Wait, what?” he asked, “You’re going to the Ministry for the full?”  
“Yes,” Remus said carefully, not meeting his eyes, “It’s safe.”

“Like bloody hell it is!” Sirius half-shouted, grabbing Remus’ shoulder, “You are _not_ going back there!” Remus had had to transform there once due to Sirius and James both being on a mission and he had been hurt so badly Pomfrey had kept him unconscious for six days after they picked him up from the Ministry, and had refused to explain the details. Even transforming in the Shack alone had not caused such injuries.

“I will do as I see fit,” Remus replied, warning in his tone. Sirius knew he shouldn’t push it, he heard the veiled anger in Remus’ tone but all he could see was how hurt Remus had been then. Blood everywhere, his limbs pointing in wrong directions and his body shaking uncontrollably.

“Moony — Remus — Look, I know you’re angry at me,” Sirius said, his voice softer but still on edge, “And you have every right to be. I am not asking for forgiveness. But please, please don’t do this. I have just buried my brother, I can’t bury you too.”

“Stop being dramatic, Sirius, I am not going to die,” Remus replied in a huff, but looked sideways and his shoulders dropped. He didn’t look angry any more. Sirius knew that it got him. He would have felt guilty for using James' death, but he knew that James would want to help Remus just as much as he did.

“Moony _please_ ,” Sirius begged.

Remus licked his lips, still looking at the ground. He took a deep breath before answering, still not looking up: “You will be at Godric’s?”

“Yes,” Sirius sighed in relief.

Remus nodded and walked towards the portkey. “We have a party to get to, I suppose. And if we will honor James’ memory I need a bottle of Firewhiskey in me within the next hour.”

Sirius looked at his back and wondered if there was anything he could do to get him back. He thought about how much he’d hurt him. How much they had hurt each other, really, but Sirius knew he was to blame for most of it. He was the one who had not trusted Remus, and essentially killed James because of it. He was the one who had shut Remus out, roared at him to move out because he couldn’t stand the sight of him. What right did he have to want Remus back, to want their love back?

He knew he couldn’t get Remus back and he also knew, deep down, that he didn’t deserve to. He’d never known how to love. He had been a child pretending he could be a man worth loving.

 

**_Now all the birds have fled, the hurt just leaves me scared_ **

**_Losing everything I’ve ever known_ **

**_It’s all become too much, maybe I’m not built for love_ **

**_If I knew that I could reach you, I would go_ **


	4. The Fight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius and Remus fight at last. Not the last fight, but at least they are talking now.

**_Cause in my heart and in my head,_ **

**_I’ll never take back the things I said_ **

**_So high above, I feel it coming down_ **

 

Remus moved into Godric’s Hollow the next day. Lily didn’t realize it at first, confused by his lack of boxes when he walked in.

“I thought you said you would stay longer than a week,” she said as she hugged Remus.

“I, er, I will — is that a problem?” he asked, confused. He was used to his best friends knowing how little he owned, so it didn’t even occur to him what Lily must be thinking when she saw a single bag and small suitcase at her doorstep.

“Not at all,” she said, looking much more cheerful, “I want you to stay as long as you can. Hold on.” She turned around, towards the stairs. “Poxy, dear, please come get Remus’ bags.” She turned back to Remus. “Where’s the rest? Outside?”

Remus blushed a deep shade of red, feeling warmth on his cheeks that he didn’t think he ever would as an adult. Strangers didn’t surprise or embarrass him anymore, and of course with the Marauders he was long past shyness. He made an “er” sound but did not know what to say.

“That’s it Lils. He has some more in — I could bring more, but I assume he has enough,” Sirius said, coming out of the kitchen and giving Remus a small smile. Things were awkward but Remus had accepted spending the full moon with him so they were better off than they had been a few weeks ago.

The werewolf looked at Sirius with relief in his eyes and Sirius felt butterflies in his stomach, feeling much too proud of himself for the small comfort he had given him. Before he could pat himself in the back further, the werewolf looked away from him and back at Lily, talking about his current boss. Poxy welcomed him and took his bags upstairs, then they moved into the living room. Soon enough they were chatting and laughing over tea and biscuits.

“He didn’t!” Lily gasped, eyes sparkling.

“Oh indeed he did,” Remus said with a laugh, “I couldn’t believe it either. Just looked at him straight in the eyes, too, no hesitation.”

Lily giggled. “I like him.”

“Me too,” Remus said and smiled. Sirius stared at Remus’ lips and knew that if he were in dog form, he would be wagging his tail. He loved seeing that.

“We should drop by,” she told Sirius, “I bet there would be a few books I’m interested in and we might catch a glimpse of the Sarcastic Bookshop Owner having it out with a teenager. Wouldn’t that be fun?”

Caught off-guard by suddenly being included in the conversation, Sirius searched his mind for an appropriate response. He wanted to say that Remus didn’t like him dropping by at his workplace, but he couldn’t say that. “Sounds like a good idea,” he said instead and tried to smile back.

Remus was looking at his tea cup with too much interest and Sirius knew what he must be thinking of. He wanted to make the worry go away, so he continued talking. “Of course, it might be a bit too boring for me, a book shop. So maybe instead we can go under the invisibility cloak or something, make it an adventure of sorts for me.”

The werewolf raised his eyebrow but didn’t look up. Sirius hoped he understood what he meant. He would make sure not to be seen, if they ever ended up going.

Oblivious to the silent conversation, Lily frowned. “What? No. No tomfoolery at Remus’ work place!”

“Me being visible and talking to people is probably much more destructive than sneaking around under the cloak,” Sirius reasoned. It was true. Remus had gotten fired from three places because of his showing up there. Sirius was the center of attention wherever he went so as soon as Remus talked to him, questions would start and shortly after his secret found out.

“That’s actually true…” Lily said and let out a quick giggle. Before they could talk any more, a crack sound announced Poxy’s arrival.

“He’s awake, Ma’am,” she said.

“I’ll be right there,” Lily replied and turned to the boys before leaving the room, “Don’t get into a fist fight while I’m gone. And please, please have all your toes and eyes and — just everything where it should be.” She sighed and shook her head as she left.

Remus didn’t ask Sirius what that meant, but the laughter in his eyes and amused expression showed that he could guess what that was about. One instance or two of James and Sirius’ idea of fun surely had come to her mind.

They drank the rest of the tea in silence until Lily returned with a fed and happy looking Harry in her arms. “Here’s the man of the hour,” she said, presenting him to his godfather and Uncle Moony.

~

For a long time, Remus did not speak directly with Sirius unless necessary, walking the fine line between polite house-guest and avoiding-Sirius-like-the-plague. If Lily noticed, she did not comment. She was just happy to have them in the same room, it seemed. Almost every conversation ended up with her hugging them both.

The day of the full moon Sirius could sense that the mood in the house had shifted. He knew from experience that the full moon’s effects did not come suddenly; they brewed and settled within Remus as the night grew near but Remus had long ago learned to hide the signs. He hadn’t even been eating more than usual, which Sirius found surprising. That had been the one thing that always got to Remus, the hunger. Instead, the past few days he had been eating as little as ever.

On 11th of November, though, the day of the full moon, Remus started acting odd compared to his Post-James self but very much like his teenager self. He paced rooms randomly. Poured himself tea, then let it get cold. Tried drinking it and cursed. Harry was having a tough day so Lily did notice the anxiousness but not its level. Sirius wanted to help but knew he shouldn’t.

An hour before the moon rise, Remus got up abruptly from the armchair and unbuttoned a few buttons, pushing his collar away as if it had been smothering him. It probably had been; Sirius couldn’t fathom why somebody would wear a button-up inside a home, let alone a werewolf on a full moon night.

“Are the wards ready?” Remus asked and his voice startled Sirius who almost jumped out of his seat.

“Yes,” he found himself saying.

“Good, good.” The werewolf nodded several times nervously. The habit reminded him of Peter. He scowled, and hoped Remus didn’t think it was because of him. But when he looked back at the light-haired boy he saw that he was pacing again, lost in his own head, and would not have noticed if Sirius had been in a clown outfit, flying on a broom.

As suddenly as he had started, Remus stopped moving. “Let’s go,” he said in a hoarse voice and Sirius got up without question.

“Lily, we’re going out, you know what to do: stay in and make sure Harry does too!” Sirius yelled upstairs, and Lily yelled back for them to be careful and that she’d see them in the morning.

The two boys walked out into the garden and Sirius activated the last of the spells on the door they walked out of.

They sat on the grass in silence for several minutes, Remus breathing in the fresh afternoon air deep into his lung as if he had just had an asthma attack.

“Sirius,” he said, startling his old lover again, and looked at him with such sincerity that it scared Sirius, “Tonight — if it gets bad, please leave.”

“What?”

“I don’t know what it will be like,” Remus said, voice shaking with breathlessness or fear - maybe both. “I haven’t transformed like this in a while and — and Prongs isn’t here and — and I don’t know what that will be like when I can’t control myself.”

“You won’t hurt me,” Sirius replied gently, and wished he could touch the other boy to relieve the fear. They had been just the two of them before, it had gone alright. More than alright; the two canines always had fun.

Remus curled up further into himself and his shoulders hung so low he looked shorter than Sirius now. “I don’t know that,” he said simply.

~

The transformation went better than Remus thought it would, but worse than Sirius had hoped for. The wolf did indeed seem to be in a mood, playing rougher than he ever had. He still didn’t break skin but Sirius’ aches when he transformed back confirmed that he had a broken bone or two. Possibly a rib. They had spent the night wrestling or howling. If Padfoot didn’t howl, the wolf would urge him to, nudging at his throat with his nose. Sirius wondered if he was trying to get them to call for his lost pack members.

Sirius half expected to be yelled at when Remus came to as he was tending to a shallow wound on the werewolf’s arm. He guessed that he wasn’t allowed to touch Remus at all, but instead of snapping his arm back in anger, the werewolf smiled.

“Thank you,” he whispered, throat too hoarse to speak any louder, then drifted back to sleep.

~

Things got significantly better after that, to Lily’s delight and Sirius’ ongoing confusion. He had no idea how to act, but Remus made it easy to not think and fall into old rhythms. Before the week was over, they were back to behaving like friends. There were many moments of sadness when they reminisced about James but otherwise it was like old times.

“Remember that time when you got him into trouble at the Order meeting?” Sirius said, eyes already filled with laughter. It was the one month mark of James’ death and they had been laughing at their old pranks and memories with the help of (a lot of) Firewhiskey.

“Which time?” Remus grinned back, taking another sip of the Firewhiskey.

“I didn’t realize you got him in trouble,” Lily said, sounding honestly surprised.

“Well not so much in trouble as _scolded_ , I suppose,” Remus said, “Not like Moody was going to give him detention.”

“Tell her!” Sirius urged him.

Remus gave an evil smile before doing so. “I made a joke quietly and he repeated it,” he said enigmatically.

“Come on, Moony,” Sirius said in a sing-song voice, “Tell us the joke.”

“It wasn’t even that funny, really,” Remus said, shrugging.

“It was very well timed! And coming from innocent Prefect Lupin it’s funnier…”

“Hollister had just been killed in action, and I—” Remus started only to be cut off by a loud gasp from Lily.

“THAT WAS _YOU_?”

Both boys grinned at her and Remus felt the start of a blush on his cheeks which had been white so far despite the alcohol running through his veins.

“That was _so_ bad,” she said, suppressing a giggle, “What was it again? ‘This is as hard as he gets’?”

“They said he had been found drowned after being thrown into a lake stupefied. I said ‘This is the first time he’s been stiff in a decade.’”

They fell into a fit of giggles and Lily shook her head, muttering about boys being terrible and how she would teach Harry to be more considerate.

“Oh you don’t know the half of it,” Sirius said, nodding excitedly, “Moony’s always been the worst of all of us. Me and Prongs we always joked around of course but nobody does dark like Moony.”

“Probably because I’m a dark creature, you know,” Remus agreed in fake-somberness.

“Oh honey,” Lily said, not catching the sarcasm, “Don’t say that.”

Sirius snorted. “He’s pulling your leg. He doesn’t actually think that. Part of his humor. He loves freaking people out with that one.” He turned to Remus. “Remember when you told Frank you couldn’t come to his son’s birthday?”

“I _really_ didn’t want to go,” Remus said, sounding a bit regretful, “I do feel kind of bad about that one, to be honest.” Frank and Alice had been tortured shortly after. Not that he could have known.

Sirius waved a hand dismissively, as if sensing Remus’ darkening thoughts. “It was funny, though.” He turned back to Lily. “Frank asked Remus to come by and Remus said he couldn’t. Frank insisted, and Remus - completely deadpan, as if he’s at a funeral - goes ‘I can’t, Frank, I’m a dark creature.’ I almost choked on my drink. The look on his face…”

After an hour more of chatting Lily yawned loudly for a second time and glanced at the clock.

“It’s only nine but I am so, so tired,” she complained.

“You have a toddler,” Remus said gently.

“I do…” she said but didn’t sound convinced, “But so did my parents. They had two, in fact.”

“I’m sure they went to sleep early, too.”

Lily gave a sigh of defeat and bid them goodnight, saying she could not hold off sleep any longer. There was silence for an awkwardly long time after she left. Sirius got up to grab another glass once his was finished. Seeing that Remus’ glass was almost empty as well, he poured his friend some too.

“Ah, alcohol and silence. It’s like I’m back home on Christmas break!” he joked as he sat back down.

Remus looked uncomfortable at the comment and shifted in his seat, but did not respond.

“We can talk without her mediating, you know,” Sirius continued, thanking Merlin for liquid courage, “We’ve done that before.”

The werewolf tensed and even in his drunk state Sirius could see his muscles tighten. He drank his whiskey hoping Remus would start speaking without much more prodding. He missed him and the lack of intimacy was almost worse now that they were speaking normally again when Lily was in the room. Before, when they were actively fighting and not talking to each other, there had been a clear barrier. Now they joked and laughed until they were alone (which they made sure to almost never be) and Sirius didn’t know how to behave.

“We talk,” Remus said noncommittally.

Sirius barked out a dark laugh. “Sure, when Lily’s here. Sometimes when we’re looking after Harry. Not just the two of us.” He looked at his old lover, his once-best friend, in the eyes. Or he thought that he did, he was drunk after all. “I miss you.”

Remus closed his eyes and took a big gulp. Sirius watched his Adam’s apple bob up and down and wondered how much trouble he would get into if he kissed Remus right now. “I don’t know what to say,” the werewolf said in the end, sounding nervous.

“Don’t you miss me?”

The look he got back was sadder than he would have imagined. “Does it matter?”

“Of course it does,” Sirius sighed, “You don’t miss me, I drink a few more bottles and try to learn how to stay away. You miss me, we try again.” As he said the last part, he looked away and his voice shook a little.

“It’s not that simple,” Remus said and smiled sadly.

“Don’t see why not,” Sirius said matter-of-factly.

They drank in silence for several more minutes and Sirius watched Remus stare at the wall and think.

“You thought I would kill James,” Remus whispered in the end, and Sirius could have sworn he saw his eyes water up.

“No,” he responded immediately, “Remus I didn’t—” He was cut off before he could continue.

“Save it,” Remus growled, “You thought I would kill James.”

“No!”

“You didn’t think I was the spy?” Remus asked, his tone mocking.

“Well — I — Yes, but I —” Sirius spluttered, not knowing what to say. Yes, he had believed Remus to be the spy but he didn’t think he was going to up and kill James. He’d had many opportunities that he hadn’t taken, of course he wasn’t going to kill him himself. Now, giving information on the other hand…

As if reading his mind, Remus continued. “You thought I would give away their location,” he spat, getting up in anger, “That I would see my brother and Lily and — Merlin, Sirius, you thought I would kill _Harry_!”

“You wouldn’t do it yourself,” Sirius said in a voice barely audible. Maybe a non-werewolf would not have heard it.

Remus laughed a maniacal laugh that scared Sirius. He idly wondered if they would wake Lily and Harry up. Maybe that would get him out of this conversation.

“And that’s better? That I would be the reason that they got killed?” he shouted. Then he paused, and when he spoke again his voice was quiet. Maybe he had thought of their family sleeping upstairs too. “Tell me Sirius, how is that any better?”

“It’s not, I guess,” Sirius admitted, unable to look him in the eyes.

“How could you think that of me?” Remus asked and Sirius could hear the tears in his shaking voice.

“I — You thought the same!” Sirius said, finding some strength at last. Yes, Remus had thought the same. How dare he put all this on Sirius.

“What? No I didn’t!”

“Oh? You thought it was Pettigrew, then?” He looked at the surprised lycanthrope in the eyes, now.

“I didn’t think it was any of us.”

“And how was Voldemort getting all the information?”

“I thought we had a tracking spell or a charmed object on us without realizing. I did some research to see if it could be performed on a wand since I couldn’t think of much else we always carry,” Remus said and suddenly his voice was that of a teacher having a casual conversation with a student. Still bitter, but not angry.

“Oh.” Sirius blinked. “I didn’t think of that.”

“Of course you didn’t, _Auror_ ,” Remus said with accusation in his tone and the anger back in his voice, “Not when you had a nice little suspect right in front of you.”

“I WAS TWENTY ONE! I WAS TWENTY ONE AND MY BOYFRIEND WAS DISAPPEARING FOR WEEKS AT A TIME, COMING BACK WITH BARELY A SCRATCH ON HIM HALF THE TIME. WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO THINK?” he roared, surprising himself more than Remus. He wondered if Remus had already cast a silencing spell on the room.

“I — We’ve had to grow up fast. Much faster than anybody should be forced to. I know…”

“I’m sorry I wasn’t Mr. Remus Perfect Lupin. I’m sorry I was _human_.” Remus knew the poison in Sirius’ words was for himself, not Remus. They stayed silent for a while, Sirius shaking from anger, and Remus looking around the room, not sure what to say.

“Look, I made a mistake—” Sirius started, only to be cut off again.

“Save it. It doesn’t matter.”

“I’m trying to apologize.”

“Don’t.”

“And why ever not, all-knowing Professor Lupin?” He tried, but it was difficult to keep his irritation out of his voice. Even when he was the one in the wrong, Remus had a way of making him feel angry.

“Because it doesn’t matter,” Remus continued, and sat back down, reaching for his glass, “The fact that you know now that it wasn’t me doesn’t change anything.”

“Of course it does, it means I know what an idiot I was not to trust you.”

After a long sip of his drink, Remus turned to Sirius and Sirius saw that despite the emotional outbursts’ indication, Remus was not drunk at all. “Why did you believe it, Sirius?”

Sirius played with his ring finger nervously and tried to think. “You never told me where you went. We all talked at least vaguely about what we did. Never you.”

“Yes, never me,” Remus agreed bitterly, “So why did my adherence to rules become a problem half-way through? I know you didn’t suspect me immediately.”

“Peter, he — He said things — Planted ideas in my head…”

“And you believed them,” Remus offered as if confirming a drink order.

Sirius sighed. “I did.”

“Why?”

Frowning, Sirius caught Remus’ eyes again. “What do you mean, why? Why does anybody believe anything? He told me lies and showed me things that appeared not to be adding up. And you wouldn’t tell me otherwise.”

“You thought I had it in me,” Remus said matter-of-factly.

Sirius hadn’t thought of it that way before. “Anybody has it in them.”

“Not Pettigrew, according to you.”

“He was such a weak thing, I never even thought of him long enough to dismiss the idea…”

“But I’m not weak and you thought of _me_.”

“What do you want me to say?”

“Nothing, really,” Remus replied, sounding satisfied if not happy, “Just showing you why it does not matter what you think now.”

“And why is that?” Sirius sighed. He hated Remus’ word games with a sober mind, they were an absolute maze while drunk.

“You believe I am capable of doing that,” Remus explained, looking at Sirius with what appeared to the shorter boy as pity, “And I have no interest in being with someone who will think that of me.”

“Remus I _know_ you would never— There isn’t even a war anymore…”

“Then it will be something else,” Remus replied and chuckled. He downed the rest of his drink in a big sip. “Something else will come up that will question my loyalty and you will suspect me again.” Sirius wanted to interrupt, but Remus didn’t let him. “Maybe it will be somebody stealing secrets from the Ministry to help dark creatures, or something like that. They will say somebody with a wand got into the vaults and stole trial Wolfsbane bottles, or something. You will think of me.”

Sirius didn’t reply. He wondered if he really would.

“I haven’t changed, Sirius,” Remus continued, “We may have fought and things may have gotten rough between us but I didn’t behave any differently. Yes, I went on missions and yes I was secretive but never about anything other than the missions. I haven’t even changed my favorite color since I was ten. I am as stable as they come, personality-wise, and you think me capable of — well — you know what you think me capable of.” He paused. “Can you honestly tell me that all your thoughts from before - I’m sure you spent many nights weighing this before deciding - is any of it untrue now? Anything you got angry at me for, is any of it magically invalid now?”

“No,” Sirius admitted, “I still think you are an excellent liar. That was at the core of why I believed.”

“And there you have it,” Remus said. He smiled as he set down his glass by the sink and went upstairs to his bedroom.


	5. Not Yet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More talking-things-out.

**_She said in my heart and in my head_ **

**_Tell me why this has to end_ **

**_Oh no, oh no_ **

 

Sirius woke up with a terrible hangover the next day and stayed in his room for most of it, only peeking out to get some dinner long after Lily had gone to sleep. He didn’t see Remus around the house, but saw light coming from his bedroom. He didn’t go in.

He expected things to be awkward, worse than they had been, but they weren’t. Remus behaved naturally around him and if anything, things seemed better. He wondered if having a row was what they had needed after all. They weren’t making an effort not to be alone but with a toddler and Lily in the house, it didn’t happen for a while.

Almost a week after their drunken argument, they were baby-sitting Harry while Lily went to visit Alice and Frank which had been the closest to being alone that they had gotten.

“Who’s a good little sprog? You are!” Sirius said in a slightly high-pitched voice, not willing to use full baby-voice. He loved Harry and baby-sitting allowed him to bond in a way that he couldn’t when his mother was just across the room. When they were baby-sitting, Harry was more playful and less inclined to reach out for his mum. He had just finished changing Harry’s diaper and he picked him up to play some more. Remus had been watching from the door, a few feet away.

“You’re good with him,” he said with a smile.

“He didn’t even pee on me this time!” he replied, grinning at Remus and moving Harry’s one arm to make it look like as if he were dancing.

They sat down on the sofa with Harry between them and played with him until he started frowning and blinking slowly, throwing away his toys. Sirius conjured up a few colorful animals for him to look at and sang to him softly. He didn’t have a terrible voice, but it wasn’t good enough to sing loudly. Within minutes, Harry was asleep and he put him in his crib. He sat back down next to Remus who hadn’t moved, and had simply been watching them with a content smile.

He waved his wand to turn one of Harry’s toys to an ottoman and put his feet up. “Ah, quiet at last,” he whispered, and threw his head back.

Remus cast a one-way silencing charm around the crib. “Remember when we talked about having one?” he asked in a dreamy voice, and suddenly Sirius was aware of how close they were sitting. If he moved even an inch, they would be touching.

“Yeah,” he replied, nodding, “You never did like my name ideas though.”

“No son of mine can be named ‘Newt’. It sounds like, well, NEWTs! Even _I_ don’t want to be reminded of exams like that.”

“Doesn’t have to be a son, could be a girl,” Sirius said after a laugh.

Remus snorted. “Minerva, yes, that will work,” he said, turning around. Sirius noticed their legs were touching now - when had that happened? And Remus’ face was surprisingly close to his.

“I’m open to other ideas,” Sirius said, still happy but with less laughter and more sincerity in his voice. “As long as they are not star names!” he added.

“No star names,” Remus said, shaking his head, “And good lord nothing from an existing creature’s mythology.”

“Gotcha, Wolf McWolf. Never took you for a believer in divination.”

“I would just rather not tempt fate.”

They looked at each other smiling and for a moment Sirius forgot that they weren’t in their apartment in Camden relaxing after a Tuesday date night. Remus must have too, because he leaned in and kissed Sirius. Sirius liked how Remus’ kisses started. Almost always they would start with a soft brush of the lips and slowly build up. Nibbling on the lips. Tongue gently opening its way into Sirius’ mouth. Small head tilt to get closer and his hand around the back of his neck needing to get closer than possible, trying to crawl inside Sirius.

It didn’t get that far this time. As soon as Remus’ hand got up to grab Sirius’ neck, he stopped himself. He pulled back, eyes wide, and stood up abruptly. He cleared his throat several times. “Sorry,” he mumbled in the end, looking at the floor.

“What are you sorry for?” Sirius asked quietly and got up to get close to Remus. He moved his arms to - hug Remus? Hold him? Pull him into another kiss? He wasn’t sure and he never got the chance, because the werewolf stepped back.

“For precisely that,” he said, “I don’t want to make you think…”

“Think what?”

“It’s just easy to forget that — When you’re around I keep forgetting that we’re not…” he said, letting his voice trail off.

“That we’re not,” Sirius repeated bitterly. He licked his lips quickly and spoke again before his courage failed him. “Don’t you want to?”

“Of course I want to,” Remus sighed, “But I can’t.”

“Why? Why can’t we?”

Remus gave him that look full of pity again. “Because it will be good until we’re done kissing and fucking and then I’ll remember.”

 

**_It’s in my heart and in my head_ **

**_You can’t take back the things you said_ **

 

“You’ll remember what? Our nasty fights? The hate-sex? The betrayal?”

“Is there a point to your rhetorical questions?”

“Just trying to understand what we’re working against here.”

“You didn’t - and don’t - trust me. There’s nothing to work on there.”

“Agree to disagree, but not what I was talking about right now. Are we not going to address the fact that you may have said and thought a few not wonderful things yourself?”

“Like what?” Remus scoffed, offended.

“Oh, ‘dog with two dicks’ comes to mind.”

“You slept with a new person at least weekly,” Remus replied dryly.

Sirius shook his head with a sad smile. “Not until long, long after you started accusing me.”

Remus looked taken aback at that. “We fought. We both said terrible things. Doesn’t mean it gave you a right to cheat.”

“No,” Sirius agreed, “I realize I should not have but by the time I did, you already truly believed that I was doing it.”

“By that logic, I should have become a Death Eater then,” Remus replied angrily, “You brought them into our _bed_ Sirius, how much more could you have rubbed my nose in it? Whatever I said, I’m quite sure I paid for it.”

“I wasn’t trying to punish you.”

“Sure sounds like you were.”

“I wasn’t,” Sirius insisted, “I was just miserable and confused and thought — I thought maybe seeing me with someone would make you react and — I don’t know. You had been so distant and I missed you.”

“Are you saying the first time you cheated on me in that apartment was when I caught you? Because that’s not true,” Remus replied darkly. He had smelt Sirius’ conquests on their sheets and on Sirius’ clothes months before that.

“No,” Sirius shook his head, “But I tried to make it obvious. Spray some of their perfume on my jacket, bring them home when you were on a mission, things like that.”

“Why?”

“I wanted you to react, to fight for me, to show me that you were Moony and not some shadow that wasn’t even there most of the time.”

“Hm.”

“But you accused me of doing it long before I did. Why?”

“Why?” Remus repeated.

“You got to ask _me_ why I suspected. Why did _you_?”

“You had history,” he replied, looking away.

“Sleeping around when I was fifteen because I didn’t realize what a relationship meant is quite different than a twenty-one year-old, committed man cheating on his partner.”

“You kept leaving for hours - once two days - and not telling me where you were.”

Sirius grinned before answering. “Might you say that I was keeping secrets from you and it drove you crazy?”

“It wasn’t Order business, it’s not the same thing,” Remus shot back angrily.

“No, it’s not the same, I know. Cheating isn’t even close to what I accused you of. But the reason, Remus, the reason for the madness was the same. These bloody secrets.” He sighed. “I was coming to see James and Lily, and I couldn’t tell you. The two days — Lily was sick, and Prongs needed help. I couldn’t tell you because, well, I couldn’t exactly invite you along, could I?”

“You acted so dodgy…”

“I hated lying to you.”

Remus nodded, and his shoulders relaxed. He moved towards the couch to sit down again.

“I won’t forget either, you know,” Sirius said quietly.

“Forget?”

Sirius turned around and looked serious and troubled in a way that reminded Remus of Regulus. “You didn’t trust me either. And you had a few choice words about it, too.”

“I do seem to recall quite a few jabs at your previous promiscuity and Blacks’ — er — fondness for — inter-family relations,” Remus said sheepishly, scratching the back of his neck. Habit he picked up from James. Sirius almost smiled.

“Not that I usually mind people insulting my family,” Sirius said, relaxing as he saw Remus’ embarrassment, “But you put me in the same basket with them.” _And that hurt_ , he didn’t add. Not that he needed to. Remus knew. That was _why_ he had said it during those fights. After all, they had been trying to hurt each other.

“I’m sorry,” Remus said simply.

Sirius flopped down next to Remus, making sure to be far away enough to not make him uncomfortable.

Remus let out a groan and threw his head back, resting it on the back of the couch by sliding his body down. The gesture made Sirius chuckle, because it was something Remus Lupin The Teenager would have done.

“Alright there, mate?” he asked, trying not to smile.

“We’re _fucked_ , aren’t we?” Remus sighed, eyes closed.

“I’d rather say we’re not,” Sirius joked back, “I’d rather say we’re getting blue balls as we speak.”

Remus let out an involuntary chuckle.

“What, you’ve been sneaking out in the middle of the night and getting some? We’ve all been stuck in this house for ever.”

Remus sighed and his expression became somber again. “I don’t know what happens now,” he said, and raised an eyebrow.

“Me neither,” Sirius admitted, “But I would like to find out with you.” He moved his hand close to Remus’ on the couch. Even though they hadn’t touched, the werewolf sensed it and moved his hand away.

“I can’t,” he said apologetically. Then, after a pause, “Not yet.”

 _‘Not yet’,_ Sirius repeated to himself in his head, _I can work with that._


	6. I Rather Like Being Alive

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus spends time away from Godric's Hollow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here we go, the end! I actually wanted this to be much longer for some reason. I have a lot of scenes written in this AU which I edited out (imagine how long it would have been otherwise). I hope the end doesn't leave anybody unsatisfied. I just didn't feel like they had resolved their issues yet so did not want to have this chapter fight-less, but also didn't want this to be a 20k word chapter, so the end is slightly more rushed compared to the build-up.
> 
> Thank you for reading as always and the kudos and comments give me life! :)

**_She said in my heart and in my head_ **

**_Tell me why this has to end_ **

**_Oh no, oh no_ **

**_I can’t save us, my Atlantis, we fall_ **

_Atlantis - Seafret_

 

After a few more weeks of awkward cohabitation and several almost-kisses and one real kiss that left both men frustrated in more ways than one, one evening Remus told Lily and Sirius casually that he had found an assignment that will take him away for a while. It paid well and due to the remoteness of the laboratory, his lycanthropy wasn’t expected to cause any issues. In fact, they thought having a quick healer used to simple healing spells with them would be an asset. It was mostly potions related - which Remus had never been good at - but they needed his help mostly with the research part and removing curses from several ancient artifacts they had brought in to examine and translate ancient runes to perfect their recipe.

When Remus first mentioned it, Sirius hadn’t said much. Remus had expected an outburst or at least a hurt glare or two, but had received only a mild “Congrats” from the dark-haired man. Until eight o’clock rolled around and Lily and Harry went to bed.

Remus didn’t notice Sirius following him - or rather, thought that Sirius would continue walking and go into his own room - until they were both in his room. He blinked several times in surprise when he realized.

“Er, Sirius?”

Sirius moved further into the room, and closed the door behind him. After a quick silencing spell, he turned to Remus with uncharacteristically controlled rage. His eyes were fuming and his voice was poisonous, but not raised. “Are you really going?”

“I need to work at some point, Padfoot,” Remus said quietly, “Can’t live off of the Potter fortune for ever.”

His friends had always told Remus that he was a brilliant liar. In fact, his lover had suspected him because of it. But the fact was that Remus didn’t lie directly, almost never. The trick to making people believe what you wanted was to say true things, just not things revealing the truth. He hadn’t lied, but of course he also had not really answered Sirius’ question. This tactic would work with anyone, even Sirius, if he was not fixated on something. Which, Remus already knew, he _was_ at the moment.

“Six months,” Sirius said accusingly.

“Could be nine,” Remus admitted, “Depends on how well it goes. They still haven’t managed to transfer part of the tablets from Egypt.”

Sirius ran a hand through his hair, making it messier somehow instead of straightening it. “I thought we were going to work on this. Us. How can we do that if I don’t see you for nine months?” _I’m going to miss you, how can I not see you every day?_ he didn’t add.

“That’s part of _why_ I accepted it,” Remus said, looking away, “Some distance would be good for us, I think.”

“We’ve _had_ distance. Every bloody day in here I stay away from you and you from me. And of course months and months before that where you weren’t even speaking to me. Enough with the distance.” To stress his point, Sirius moved forward a step.

“Neither of us were speaking to each other,” Remus corrected bitterly, “Don’t make it sound like as if I had a childish grudge against you.” He collected himself before continuing. “In any case… Being in here, it doesn’t let either of us think objectively.” He held up a hand when Sirius opened his mouth to respond. “It _doesn’t_ , Padfoot. How many times have we almost kissed in the last two days? I count three, you tell me if there were any more.”

“Four, I think,” Sirius admitted, “I almost kissed you when you burnt your tongue with the tea this morning, but I doubt you noticed that one because your eyes were closed.” The side of his mouth twitched upwards at the memory. Of course he didn’t wish pain on Remus but the sight had been adorable.

“See? We’re too close. We see each other constantly. That does not leave room for objectivity. Of course we can’t think of anybody else because we have a reminder of what we used to have — right in front of us.”

“‘Anybody else’?” Sirius asked darkly, “You want to date other people? Is that what this is about?” His eyelids dropped ever-so-slightly and he tried not to give Remus a real glare.

Remus chuckled, and shook his head. “I doubt being stuck in a remote lab will do much for my dating pool,” he said kindly, “But it will allow me to think of a world without you in it.” He paused. “Romantically, I mean,” he added.

“I don’t want to think objectively, and I don’t want to date other people. I want to fix _us_.”

“There isn’t much to fix. We are who we are. It’s more about understanding if that is what we really want.” Remus shrugged. “I think it will help _you_ more than me, to be honest. I think if I’m not in front of you, if you’re not surrounded by this _guilt_ , then you will be able to—”

“I do _not_ want you because I feel guilty!” Sirius objected before Remus could continue.

“I didn’t say you did,” Remus said, although they both knew he believed it to be part of the reason, “But you have to admit every time you see me, you think of what happened.”

“I think of what happened every time I see Lily or Harry too,” Sirius rebutted, “And every time I see a picture of James and every bloody joke I make when my ear listens for the sound of Prongs’ laughter that doesn’t come.”

Remus finally looked at Sirius again, with true sadness in his eyes. They both missed their friend dearly. “I am not talking about James,” he whispered, “I am not even talking about the switching — I am merely talking about the fact that when you look at me, you remember that you accused me of being the spy and kicked me out of our - _your_ , I guess - house over it. Don’t tell me you don’t feel guilty about it.”

“Of course I feel guilty because I have a fucking _soul_ , Remus. So what?”

“You feel guilty and you want to take care of me.” Another pause as he thought about what to say next. “You always did.”

“Not this rubbish again,” Sirius groaned. “You and I are equals, I do not pity you and I am not with you to be your nursemaid,” he continued in the tired voice of a person repeating it for the millionth time.

Remus’ cheeks colored and the other man felt great satisfaction, as short-lived as it was due to the rage that was consuming him currently.

“All I want to say is that I want us to take a step back, stay away from the source of all our complicated emotions and see if we really want to go back to it. If we do; great. If we don’t, well, we will always be friends.”

“What if one of us does and the other doesn’t, after this little getaway of yours?” Sirius asked bitterly. It was obvious who he thought would be the one to want to try again.

“We cross that bridge when we come to it,” the werewolf said simply, “Not like things can get any _more_ complicated.”

“They would if you came back and didn’t want me.”

“Sirius I—” Remus started but stopped himself short of saying _I will always want you_. It was true, but for this to work they could not just be waiting for a reunion. It had to be a real break. He took a deep breath. “Sirius I know you have always been the most… Social of us. Yes, Peter was the needy one but you were the one who thrived around people, who always thought of us as a group. There is a reason you and Prongs acted like two halves of the same body: You always thought of him or the Marauders as a whole. But for once, please think of yourself. Just yourself. You can’t do that with me around.”

“I thought you said I _only_ thought of myself. ‘Selfish bastard’ was a favorite nickname for a while. ‘Can’t think of anybody else’ you said,” Sirius spat back.

Remus was undeterred and kept talking as if he had not been interrupted. If anything, Sirius was proving his point. Sirius would always think of their fights when he looked at Remus. “I want you to mourn James. I want you to mourn our relationship, even. Then, think about the future. Just see what it is like to be only you for once since you were eleven.”

“So now I have to leave Lily and Harry too?” Sirius asked but it was more of a ‘found a fault in your logic’ kind of question rather than a real one.

“Of course not, but that is different. That is family. I am talking about —” He struggled for words. “Just think of you,” he said in the end, “And not me. Not ‘Sirius Black Remus’ old boyfriend’ or ‘Sirius Black James’ old best friend’. Just you.” He paused and licked his lips. “Allow yourself to think about how you have more than eighty, ninety years ahead of you. Who knows, maybe you want kids of your own, with a woman even.” Sirius laughed darkly, but Remus continued. “Just think of the possibilities forward, not opportunities gone and lost.”

“I don’t care how long your monologues are, or how righteous you must feel now giving them,” Sirius said, staring off into the distance, “Do what you want, Remus, I sure can’t stop you. But don’t expect to be proven right and don’t pretend this is anything more than you not wanting to be with me. You are leaving me, no matter your reasoning.”

 _You left me first_ , Remus wanted to scream. He wanted to cry and throw a tantrum like a Harry had a few days ago. But all he could do was stare at the floor and try to keep his serene mask intact. “Let’s spend some time apart. Try to see who we are without each other,” he said, thanking Merlin his voice sounded somewhat calm.

Sirius let out the first real laugh since they had entered the room. Taken aback, Remus looked at him questioningly. “Oh Moony, we are not sixteen year old birds finding ourselves spending summer in Spain,” he explained.

“Maybe we should be,” Remus insisted, “We have lived together since we were eleven. I fell in love with you before I knew what it even meant. The same, probably, for you too. What is the harm in seeing who we could be without each other and if we like that or not?”

“We spent _months_ apart,” Sirius sighed, tired of repeating himself in this conversation that seemed to keep going in circles, “Did you not figure out how to be single then?”

“It’s different, Sirius. We were broken up but both of us were hung up on each other. Don’t tell me you felt ‘single’ when we split up.”

Sirius shrugged and looked away, towards the door. He could not deny that he had not stopped thinking of Remus as his since they had first kissed when they were fifteen. No, he had not felt single in a long time.

They were quite for almost a minute. “When do you leave?” Sirius asked in the end.

“Monday,” he replied, ears burning. He braced himself for the shout, but it made him widen his eyes slightly regardless.

“WHAT?”

“I meant to tell you earlier…”

Sirius snorted. “No, no you didn’t.”

Remus chewed on his lower lip, nervous habit from his childhood. “I wanted to.”

“I suppose in a way this is better,” Sirius mused, “I only have two days to lose my mind over this, then it will be done.”

~

They hadn’t seen each other in seven months, not even for the full moon. He had gone crazy with worry the first time, but by now as the full moon approached each month there was only a dull ache in his chest, and a sleepless night or two. Remus made sure to owl Lily frequently so Sirius knew that he was alive and doing well. That he was alive, at any rate. Who knew how honest Remus was in his letters about how he was doing.

At dinner, Sirius was still lost in thought until an owl came in and delivered a letter to Lily from Remus. Sirius waited eagerly for Lily to read it. Her face broke into a smile and Sirius couldn’t help but ask: “Is he coming back?”

Lily looked up with an apologetic smile. “Sorry, honey. I don’t think so. At least nothing about it in this letter.”

Sirius shrugged and looked down at his plate, playing with his food with his fork. He would get used to the wait as days drifted into each other until something would inevitably remind him of Remus, then he would get impatient again.

“You could owl him yourself, you know,” Lily said but she sounded unsure. She wasn’t sure what their deal had been when Remus left.

“He needs time alone,” Sirius said, shaking his head.

“He’s had _months_ ,” Lily said, sounding almost annoyed at Remus, “Did he say how long?”

“The project was supposed to last up to nine months, but you said he mentioned it dragging for another two… So I guess eleven months,” Sirius said slowly, dividing what was left of his food into random groups on his plate, “But they have breaks sometimes, I am sure.”

“So you decided to — er — separate until the end of the project?”

Sirius sighed and looked away. “We weren’t together when he left.”

Lily had seen them kiss two days before Remus left so she didn’t quite understand what Sirius meant, but didn’t contest it. “Three and a half more months, then,” she said, “And he’s back?”

“I don’t know,” Sirius said quietly, “He didn’t promise anything.”

“But you’re waiting for him.”

“He didn’t tell me to wait,” he sighed and moved in his chair uncomfortably. Suddenly he couldn’t feel comfortable no matter which way he leaned or how straight he sat.

“What did he say?” she asked gently and took his free hand in her own.

“That he had to be away from me for a while,” he said in a voice barely above a whisper, “That I confused him.”

“Eleven months is a long time to wait for someone…”

“James waited seven years for you,” he said with a small smile, staring at his plate still.

Lily giggled. “He did not love me in first year.”

“I know three boys that shared a dorm with him who can prove you otherwise. Since the first time he laid eyes on you it has been Lily Evans this and Lily Evans that,” he said, grinning and looking at her by the end of his sentence. He felt comfortable talking about this.

Lily shook her head but was smiling and her cheeks were pink. After a few moments, she spoke again. “A lot can happen in that time, is all I mean. He might have — You know —”

“Found somebody else?” he asked darkly. Of course the thought had occurred to him. Stuck in a research building with likeminded scholars for seven months. Remus could have found someone easily.

“Maybe,” she said and cocked her head, looking at him with apologetic eyes again.

“Whether he has or not, I cannot do much about that right now. Not until he comes back.”

“That’s awful mature and patient of Sirius Black,” she said, half-joking.

“I know, Moony has made me into a boring old man, he has,” Sirius said and gave a dramatic fake sigh.

“I just want you to know that it is ok to move on,” she said, moving closer to him and squeezing his shoulder, “You had already broken up a long time ago. Yes, you were awful for suspecting him but that doesn’t mean you have to devote your life to him.”

Sirius looked up at her in confusion and surprise. “Do you think that’s why I want him? Guilt?” Is that what _everyone_ thought, he wondered. Remus had hinted at the same more than once.

She shrugged. She didn’t know why else two people who had broken up months before James’ death would afterwards try to get back together.

“I want him because I have always wanted him,” Sirius said slowly and looked out the window, “I never stopped wanting him. After James, after the war, I… My reason for staying away disappeared. Guilt doesn’t make me want him more. If anything, it is what makes it difficult to get back together. To be together with him means I have to get over my guilt.”

“Does he feel the same?”

“Who knows with Mysterious Moony?” he said and shot her a sad smile.

“If you can’t read him, nobody has any hope. I always thought you could read his moods better than any of us.”

“I can read him, when he lets me.” He shrugged. “I know he wants me, but I also know we have a lot of shit that is hard to get over.”

“He must forgive you at some point,” Lily sighed, frowning.

“And I him,” Sirius said.

“For what?” Lily asked, surprised and curious.

He smiled a dark, broken smile that reminded her of his younger brother. “We didn’t part on the best terms,” he said, each word spoken sharply as if they were paining him.

Lily put her head on Sirius’ shoulder and they held hands quietly for a while. Long after their food had gone cold, Poxy popped up next to them with Harry in tow, back from their visit to the park. His mother immediately took the boy into her arms and they went upstairs to eat and play. Sirius did not follow them.

~

Nine days days after their eight full moon apart, Remus showed up at Godric’s Hollow. Poxy was the first to notice his presence, ready at the doorway to pick up his books and coat. He thanked her and moved on to Harry’s room where Lily was playing with Harry. She squealed when he said “hi” and they hugged and exchanged “how are you”s and “I missed you”s. Then Remus picked Harry up and held him as if he was his own son that he hadn’t seen in months. He even had tears making his eyes shine. He told Harry that he had grown up and Uncle Moony had brought grown-up presents for him that he would get after dinner.

Within minutes, the thrill of the reunion calmed down and Remus looked around questioningly.

“He’s at Diagon Alley, should be back soon I think,” Lily answered Remus’ unasked question.

Remus smiled at Lily. “How has he been?” he asked and Lily thought it odd how casual and not nervous Remus sounded. After speaking to Sirius about how they left things, she was expecting more worry from both the boys.

“You know Sirius…” she said meaningfully.

The werewolf laughed a deep, happy laugh. “How much of the furniture was destroyed? Any fires?”

“He did have a go at the walls every now and again but other than that he hasn’t been too destructive,” Lily replied, giggling despite the seriousness of the situation. Remus seemed happy, so she felt happy.

“Good, good. He needs to let some of it out but not at the expense of burning down your house.” He looked away then, smiling at an old memory.

“You know, he hasn’t—”

“It doesn’t matter,” Remus cut her off. Surprised by the usually polite boy’s interruption, Lily raised an eyebrow. He wasn’t looking at her though, so he didn’t see.

Instead, the light-brown haired werewolf picked Harry up and started asking him questions.

“Hmm, I see you weigh…” He pretended to weigh Harry up and down in his hands. “About a little boy plus three Chocolate Frogs’ worth.” He looked at Harry in mock seriousness. “How much chocolate have you had, sir?”

Harry giggled. “No chocolate ’for dinner.”

“That’s right Harry,” Lily said, pleased.

“Codswallop,” Remus said, with a twinkle in his eyes, “This is a special occasion, Uncle Moony is here.” He didn’t take his hands off of the toddler and was still holding him up in the air, but a Chocolate Frog made its way out of his pocket and hovered between them. Harry’s eyes grew wide and he gasped.

“Go ahead, honey,” Lily encouraged the toddler looking at her with amazement and fear. He didn’t need telling twice and immediately grabbed the Frog and started trying to unwrap it. She would have scolded Remus - she had done so with Sirius several times - but she told herself that it _was_ as special occasion and watched the two bond with a smile.

In less than half an hour the Sirius’ voice came from the living room. “Lils, you guys gone to the park yet? I think I want to come as Padfoot this time.”

Remus quickly took Harry down from his shoulders. Harry had been trying to touch the ceiling, inches away from it on the tall werewolf’s shoulders. The toddler first made an excited sound at the sudden movement, then a whine of disappointment when he realized Uncle Moony was walking away and play time with him was over. But Remus didn’t hear any of it, his full attention was on the owner of the voice that was approaching them.

“Lils? Where are you?”

“In Harry’s room, honey,” Lily said but before she finished her sentence, Remus was already outside the room.

Sirius, seeing Remus in the hallway, stopped at the edge of the stairs. The skin on his cheekbones stretched ever so slightly, reminding Remus of his Animagus form raising its ears in interest at the scent of prey. The werewolf smiled and walked towards Sirius who was frozen in his spot.

When he was within arm’s reach, Remus pulled Sirius to the side of the stairs, with his back to the wall of the hallway. “Can’t have you by the stairs,” he murmured before pressing his lips against the Animagus’ without hesitation. Sirius, in his surprise, didn’t immediately respond but this didn’t stop Remus. He continued the kiss by cocking his head slightly to the right to get better access and moved his lips slowly but forcefully against Sirius’, cupping his cheek with his left hand.

Within seconds, Sirius was responding and pushing his tongue into Remus’ mouth. The werewolf smiled into their kiss which was deepening rapidly. He squeezed Sirius’ body right above his hip and pulled them closer, their bodies clashing against each other and the raven-haired man let out a moan that sounded more like a growl. With a chuckle, Remus pulled away. They looked at each other for a while. Both of them were out of breath and their lips were red and parted still. Remus had a satisfied expression and a goofy grin on his face. Sirius’ expression was almost blank, unable to decide between shock and lust.

“Hi,” Remus said, his eyes twinkling with what looked to Sirius like mischief.

“Hi,” Sirius replied weakly. After a pause, he straightened himself and took his back off of the wall. “What — what was that?”  
“I wanted to kiss you,” Remus said matter-of-factly, “Been dying to do it, actually.” His mouth twitched as if at an inside joke.

Sirius raised an eyebrow and felt his usual confident self come back with a warm feeling in his chest. “Did you, now?”

“And more,” Remus whispered, leaning in and pressing their cheeks together. Sirius almost shivered.

“You should ask a bloke before doing that kind of thing, you know,” Sirius said but his hands were on Remus’ back, pulling him in. The bulge between his legs pressing against the werewolf’s own was not doing much to support his words either.

“Couldn’t stop me,” Remus chuckled into Sirius’ neck.

“Mr. Lupin,” came the reply in mock-shock, “Why I never — What if my jealous lover was right behind me?”

“I would eat him,” Remus said and bit ever so gently on Sirius’ nape.

 _Merlin,_ Sirius thought, _A year of anger and frustration and this man has me putty in his hands in less than a minute._

“That doesn’t sound polite,” Sirius said, breathless as the werewolf started working on his buttons to kiss and bite by his collar bones.

“I don’t care,” Remus whispered and started kissing upwards now, along Sirius’ neck, pushing him back onto the wall, “Nothing could stop me.”

“What if I didn’t want to?” Sirius joked but the werewolf stopped. He pulled his head back, much to Sirius’ dismay.

“Do you want me to stop?” Remus asked, voice more sober than the Animagus would have liked.

“Of course not.”

“Oh thank Merlin,” Remus sighed in relief, “I don’t know that I could stop myself.” He looked around as if expecting somebody to come by. “Bedroom,” he said and started walking towards Sirius’ room.

Wordlessly, Sirius followed Remus onto his bed. He was not going to question why Remus had come back after almost a year away acting as if nothing had happened, but he was not going to complain.

Remus spent the next ten minutes taking off Sirius’ clothes and kissing and massaging every inch of his body. Sirius tried to respond in kind but the werewolf stopped him for the most part. The Animagus felt like he was chocolate cake or some sort of present that Remus was unwrapping, and let himself be spoiled by the sensation.

And that sensation right now was a devious tongue on his cock, making him moan and thrust up in pleasure. Soon, there were two wet fingers pressing against his hole and he was groaning, legs twitching against the sheets in pleasure as his lover prepared him. They had almost always done it the other way around in the past, which made it more exciting on the rare occasions that Remus decided to top.

Satisfied with the preparation when Sirius started whining, Remus crawled on top and stared at Sirius with more love than lust, surprising the raven-haired man once again. He was looking down as if they were in the middle of watching a romantic muggle movie scene. The way he had looked at him at Lily and James’ wedding or after a good date night.

“I love you, Sirius,” Remus said and kissed him slowly, letting his lower lip stay on Sirius’ upper one once the kiss was over.

After they were spent and Tergeos were cast, they stayed in bed spooning. Sirius was making circles on Remus’ chest with his finger and every now and again Remus moved his back as if trying to get closer, although that was not possible as every inch of their skin that could be touching _was_.

“I take it you want to get back together, then?” Sirius asked, glad he didn’t have to look the werewolf in the eyes as he asked. Even after this, there was no telling what he was thinking. Maybe this was a last hurrah.

“If you will have me,” Remus responded sleepily.

“Remus, if you don’t mind me asking,” Sirius said, unable to stop himself even at the risk of ruining their post-sex bliss, “Why?”

“I had a bad full moon,” Remus said slowly, sounding more awake. He was dragging out each word as if thinking them over before uttering them. “I think it was a side-effect. I had taken one of the trial potions. The wolf… It didn’t agree with my biology, I think.” He shifted uncomfortably and drew in a big breath. “I couldn’t get out of bed for days. Sometimes I would be conscious but the only moments I remember in those days are filled with fear and confusion.” Sirius listened silently, his heart pounding in his chest and hands tightening around his lover protectively as if the danger were here now. “Once I could think coherently again I could not stop thinking about you. How I had left things.” He shifted away slightly to turn around, and repositioned himself to put his one leg between Sirius’ legs, getting as close as he could while looking the other man in the eyes. “I kept thinking I couldn’t die without — Without having this, having _you_ , having told you that I loved you more than anything. You had to know.”

Sirius kissed Remus’ cheek and neck, then nuzzled against the nape of his neck. “I love you, Remus.” Sirius would never say ‘too’ when it came to words of affection.

“I know we still have issues to work out,” Remus said, as if confirming Sirius’ fears that this was a one-off and they would go back to not being together again. The dark haired man’s chest tightened. “But I want to have them. The fights. The making up. The — whatever it is we do. I want to be with you, and everything that comes with it.”

“No more running away from me, Moony?” Sirius asked into his neck, smiling.

“No more running away from you, Padfoot,” Remus replied, grinning and holding the man close with one arm around his back.

“I’ll kill you if you spend another full moon without me,” the Animagus added casually, as if taking Remus’ breakfast order.

The werewolf chuckled. “Not planning on it. I rather like being alive.”


End file.
